Your partner cheated.  Unfortunately, you were on the receiving end.  You have experienced a roller coaster of emotions and expressed them in a number of ways.  You wonder why this happened and what it all means.  Can an affair offer something redemptive? 

 

After the crisis phase of an infidelity is worked through, you may now be open to listening to the other side and exploring what the affair meant to your partner.  There may be a tendency for your partner to sweep it under the rug and for you to keep tight surveillance on your unfaithful partner.  Try to resist both of these things.  As uncomfortable as it may be, there can be gems of wisdom in the messiness of an affair that can help a couple heal together if they both can keep an open mind.  How can you engage in a meaningful conversation that will not disintegrate or blow up? 

 

Often the truth lies beyond the facts.

 

As the one who was betrayed, your tendency may be to fact gather and interrogate your partner.  Esther Perel, in her book “State of Affairs,” calls this asking “detective” questions.  Detective questions ask for facts, invite comparisons [where you’re the loser], and may re-traumatize you.  Asking detective questions will not move you toward reconciliation.  Here are some examples:

-did you take her/him to our favorite dinner spot?

-is he/she better in bed than me?

-is he/she thinner/more beautiful/funnier/more muscular than me?

-how many times a day did you talk to him/her?

-did you talk to him/her during ______ [eg. My birthday, our family holiday, etc.]

-did you spend time with his/her kids/other family members?

-who knew about this?

-what was he/she wearing that turned you on?

 

Consider instead asking what Perel calls “investigative” questions.  Investigative questions go beyond the facts and can open the door for more meaningful and productive conversation.  Investigative questions dig for the meaning beyond the facts of what happened.  Here are some examples:

-help me understand what the affair meant for you.

-were you looking for it or did it just happen?

-why now?

-what was it like when you came home from seeing him/her?

-what did you experience there that you didn’t have with me?

-did you want me to find out?

 

Before you ask any question, ask yourself: if I knew the answer to this question, what would it do for me?  If the answer is that it would add further scarring, it’s an indication that it’s not the right question. 

 

Does this all seem like too much?  Maybe you need some support.   A good marriage/couples counsellor can help open lines of communication with your partner and pave the way toward meaningful and productive conversation.

 

One last thing: if your sense of self-worth has been lost through this, take care of yourself by doing things to restore it.  Separate what your partner did to you from your feelings about yourself and your own essence.  Rediscover the parts of you that make you feel worthy, confident, and alive -- be it friends, hobbies, or dreams.  Dress up.  Take impeccable care of yourself.  Give yourself the love and attention that you need and deserve.

 

Until next time,

 

 

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