“Good fences make good neighbors.” –Robert Frost

According to Merriam Webster, a boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” Most of us know the basics of what boundaries are in the context of life and personal relationships.  Information doesn’t always translate into how we live, however.  I see many clients who struggle with setting boundaries and keeping them.  Others struggle with awareness of how they are pushing others’ boundaries.  Let’s talk about these two people.

The person who struggles to set boundaries. 

Thoughts going through this person’s mind may include: “I feel selfish.”  “Am I doing the right thing?”  “What if ______ is mad at me for setting boundaries?”  “I’m scared I’ll lose this relationship.” “I feel like a bad person.”  “I would rather not stir up a confrontation.”

Sometimes the feeling of guilt or the fear of loss is so big that reasoning and logic don’t matter. Struggles with setting boundaries can be rooted in childhood coping patterns and may be tied to fear of rejection among other things.  There is a fear and risk of losing important relationships.

Although this person may feel overstepped, they may also feel significant, needed and indispensable – roles they are not ready to give up.  The thought of setting boundaries can be unsettling, even anxiety provoking because it can bring up strong feelings of guilt and selfishness. 

The person who pushes boundaries.   

This person may say things like, “Why can’t you _______?”  “I need you to stay.”  “You have no idea how much I need you.”  “Can you _________?” They may pry for information that is private or related to something unrelated to them. 

These people may attach to others easily and can become so enmeshed with someone else that they have lost a sense of who they are.  They have little awareness of how they are overstepping.  To them, their requests are reasonable.  Sometimes the person they are asking things of is agreeable and does not give feedback about the nature of the requests being made. Increased separateness is confusing and hurtful to them and can trigger past abandonment issues.  

The Bottom Line

Experiences around boundaries are not cut and dry, and “fixing” boundaries in relationships may not be as easy as simply changing behaviors.  Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have deep roots stemming from childhood, past traumas, and other life experiences.  If you are having a hard time setting boundaries or respecting/understanding another person’s boundaries, it can be very helpful to untangle what is behind this with a trusted friend or counsellor.  Each person has a lot going on behind the scenes, and behaviors start to make sense when one can gently probe into the “behind the scenes” with compassion and curiousity.   This allows us to start moving toward healthier handling of boundaries and therefore, healthier and more fulfilling relationships. 

Until next time,

Individual and couples counselling in the Westshore

Serving Langford, Colwood, Metchosin, Sooke, and all of Greater Victoria