How do you convince someone there is no danger when they are seeing danger?  You are standing back far enough to see that all is safe and all will be safe.  Challenges lie up ahead, but not anything that is life threatening.

I notice that we confuse challenges with safety.  The lens we are looking through may be cloudy and have some cracks in it.  The "Obstacle - Keep Right" sign is mistaken for a bomb.  We fight, run away, or freeze.  When we do this, the prefrontal cortex - the part of our brain that helps us problem solve and make make wise decisions -- shuts down.

My divorce was like that.  It put me into "my life is being threatened" mode many times over.  My nervous system shut down and I was immobilized for many weeks physically, mentally, and emotionally.  What lay in front of me was challenging -- immensely challenging -- but not life threatening.  I was not able to pull myself out of survival mode initially.  Some family and friends went right into survival mode with me.  Others were standing back far enough to see the road ahead -- the challenging but ultimately safe road that lay in front of me: The road of possibilities, the road of adventure, and the road of growth.  Eventually, I was able to see it too.

I listened to feedback from others: my therapist, my neighbours, my best friend, and my lawyer.  Had I stayed in my own bubble of distorted thoughts and feelings, I would have self-destructed.

I took the actions that I could which were small: I went to therapy.  I started an early morning exercise practice while my young kids were sleeping.  I listened to Tony Robbins.  Eventually I stepped out a bit more and started volunteering and dreaming about going to grad school.

Now that I have distance, I can see that I was safe, and all was okay.  I didn't know that until I opened myself to others and started taking small actions.  All of this took me out of "this is life threatening" mode.  My prefrontal cortex increasingly came back online.

Was it challenging?  Yes.  Dangerous?  No.  Awful?  Yes.  Life threatening?  No.  Heart breaking?  Yes.  Unsafe?  No.

A large part of my job involves helping clients decipher the difference between challenge and danger.  I can't convince them there is no danger, though.  They have to come to that on their own.  I can support, offer new perspectives, and be the soft place to land.  I can illuminate a path for them to walk down if they wish.  And that, my friends, is the beauty of my job.

Until next time,