This post is part three of a three-part series dedicated to those who are going through an affair.  You can read part one here and part two here.  Part three focuses on the partner who had the affair, who often gets shamed and stigmatized by family, friends, and society at large.  It may be easy for outsiders to discount this partner as a home wrecker, slut, cheater, and so on. 

If you are the unfaithful partner, you may be feeling a variety of emotions including guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, or ambivalence.  You may want to sweep everything away as if it never happened.  Maybe you have had a wake-up call and it will never happen again.  However you are feeling, probably the most painful and uncomfortable thing you will do is witness the fallout.  Seeing the pain inflicted on your partner, staying with the roller coaster of emotions, dealing with your own feelings, and handling business with the other party is neither desirable or comfortable.  Your tendency may be to minimize, lie, cover up, or make yourself look good.  Wanting to preserve the ego is natural and human.  But now is the time to divorce the ego.  Be humble.  Acknowledge the hurt caused.  Express sorrow for that.  Are you wondering how to do that?  Read about it here.

Whether you end up staying with your partner or not, what you did has the possibility of helping you learn things about yourself.  A good counsellor will help you metabolize and move beyond the shame and guilt to exploring the possibilities for personal growth and engaging in meaningful conversations with your partner.  Cheating is what you did to your partner.  But what were you doing for yourself, and why?

Here are some questions for you to consider:

- why did I cheat?

- why with him/her?

- why now?

- how did it feel?

- what was I looking for?  Did I find it?

- what happened inside me when I was with the other person?

- how did my identity shift when I was with the other person?

- what did this experience awaken in me that was dormant before?

Take some time to think hard.  Write.  Talk to a counsellor.  Probe into yourself and your motivations.  Why do this?  It is an opportunity to gain self-awareness and figure out what is important to you.  It is a chance to look at what qualities you’d like to develop and nurture in yourself and your relationships moving forward. 

If and when your partner is ready, you may want to carefully start talking about the broader meanings of the affair and start to construct meaning as a couple.  A couples counsellor can be invaluable for this.  Yes, you cheated, and that is a painful offense.  But can an act of betrayal have redemptive qualities?   Can you become a fuller person because of it?  Can your relationship heal and actually flourish in unimaginable ways because of it?  Yes, no, and maybe.  Each couple is unique.  With intention and hard work, it is possible t to move beyond an affair.  It is also possible to stay stuck.  You get to choose. 

Until next time,

Individual and couples counselling services in the Westshore, serving Langford, Colwood, Metchosin, Sooke, and all of Greater Victoria