Going through a separation and divorce is hard enough without the added stress of having children involved, but many find themselves in this situation.  If this is you, a) I feel for you, and b) you and your children will get through this, I promise.  I believe you want the best for your kids.  You can help your kids simply by being aware of what this experience might be like for them, and then giving them the stability and certainty they need to navigate through this confusing and difficult time.  Divorce is an emotionally-charged time.  The worst thing you can do is to let your kids get lost in the shuffle of adult anger, exhaustion, and broken hearts. 

 

Here are a few things to keep in mind regarding children:

 

1) Parents are the bedrock of a child’s world.  Everything the child has known rests on the certainty of their attachment to their parents and the family unit.  When this foundation is shaken, it shakes up the child’s basic assumptions about what is certain and what they can depend on.

 

2) Parents and the family unit form a significant part of a child’s identity.  When children learn that life will proceed without this unit intact, they may feel differently about themselves.  Who am I without my parents being together?  What will life be like from now on?  Your child may feel self-conscious at school for a while as if there is a divide between them and their classmates. 

 

3) Children often blame themselves for their parents’ decision to divorce.

 

4) Children are sensitive beings and pick up and absorb the energy in a given environment.  Children also have a rich emotional landscape and often express emotions differently than adults.  Anger, resentment, and sadness may be expressed by acting up, defiance, and/or sullenness.  Just because your child doesn’t talk directly about their parents splitting up does not mean it is not at the top of their mind; your child’s process just looks different than yours.

 

Simply being aware of the above will go a long way. 

 

What can you do for yourself and your children during this time?

 

• Taking care of yourself is the greatest gift you can give your children during this time. Get therapy, eat properly, and move your body.  Getting therapy is crucial for your own venting and processing.  You will come out the other side much smoother and healthier if you have a place to work through whatever is coming up.  Taking care of yourself is a win-win for you and your kids.

 

• Keep certainty and predictability in your child’s daily routine. As much as you can, keep morning and bedtime routines the same as well as the commitment to their regular extra-curricular activities.  A predictable daily routine goes a long way emotionally.

 

• Keep emotional certainty high in your child’s life. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you love and cherish them and that nothing that is happening between their parents changes that.  Some ways to show love include taking care of your own well-being, engaging in child-directed play, engaging in physical exercise together, and listening to anything your child wants to talk about without speaking ill of the other parent or pushing your point of view on your child.  Your child needs to know that you are on their side and that you can be trusted with their feelings.  Be the person who can absorb your child’s point of view; meet your child where they are.  This is a tall order, but if you are following through with the first bullet point, you will have greater emotional bandwidth for your child.

 

The dissolution of a marriage is stressful and often a roller coaster of emotions for parents and children.  If you are going through this, I hope you will find this post helpful and encouraging.  Take care of yourself and do not forget about your children.  Honor their process as you work through yours.

 

Until next time,

 

 

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