Have you ever felt so stuck in a conflict with a loved one that a resolution feels hopeless? Both parties are firmly entrenched in their way of looking at the situation that there is little room for movement on either side. They are stuck in gridlock.
Gridlock, according to Wikipedia, is a form of traffic congestion where “continuous queues of vehicles block an entire network of intersecting streets, bringing traffic in all directions to a complete standstill.”
Gridlock in relationships feels distressing, helpless, and often hopeless. No matter what you do, you remain stuck. Often the frustration of “not getting through” to the other party escalates and both parties wind up angry and emotionally charged. When two people are highly emotionally charged, the chances of anything productive happening decreases exponentially.
One of the most common patterns of communication I see in relationships is the “attack-defend” pattern. One person attacks the other by criticizing or blaming. The other person defends themselves in response. Then they switch places. This “attack-defend” dance can cause a lot of damage and results in a dead end each time.
A counsellor can help sort out what is happening and bring down strong emotions. If one person changes how they are dealing with the conflict, the whole dynamic may shift and progress can be made. Ideally, both people will, with self-awareness, look at how they are contributing to the gridlock. When this happens, there is a great chance of getting somewhere productive.
I am going to give you one tip for loosening the grip of gridlock in relationships. Why only ONE tip? Because if you take this tip to heart, you will need nothing else. What follows is easy to talk about and difficult to implement because of the requirement to lay down both offensive and defensive weapons. Give this tip a try only if you are brave, mature, and want better outcomes for your relationships.
Here it is:
The ONE and only tip you need to overcome relational gridlock is this: Seek, first and foremost, to understand the other person’s point of view. Period. If both parties make this their one and only focus, the relationship will win.
How to do this?
Listen to what the other person is saying. Then summarize it in your own words. Start your responses with, “What I hear you saying is…”.
Get curious about what the other person is saying by asking questions. Ask questions like, “What was that like for you?” and, “Can you tell me more about….”
DO NOT enter into attack mode by criticizing or blaming. DO NOT enter into defend mode by giving your reasons for this or that.
Can you imagine what would happen if both parties did this?
This way of relating requires humility, and that’s why it’s so difficult for people to do. Seeking to understand another person’s perspective involves setting aside your own wishes, expectations, and ego. It requires that you prioritize the relationship above your own individual needs. There is no flashy or fancy technique to it, and it definitely won’t make headline news. But it is the way forward.
Does this tip seem too simple? Don’t let its simplicity fool you. Try it for a week and let me know how it goes.
Until next time,
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