Communication. However unsexy the word, it is my opinion that couples are doomed without effective communication. One of the ways communication can break down is when one person shares their viewpoint or experience and the other person immediately gets defensive by saying, “no I didn’t”, or “you’re crazy”, or “yeah I felt the same way when you…”. If you are caught in this cycle, it may feel hopeless and endless. You feel distant from your partner and there is anxiety coursing through your veins. How can you break the cycle of a defensive communication style? How can you bridge the gap between conflict and harmony? Here are three tips for both partners to employ:
- Let your partner know you have heard them by reflecting back to them what they’ve said in your own words. “What I hear you saying is…” This will keep you in their space for longer, and it will help the person feel seen and heard. If you want to be a rock star, DO THIS, no matter how silly it sounds.
- Rid yourself of the need to win in the conversation. A lot of partners try to “one up” the other person by expressing greater suffering than the other. In my experience, when one person relinquishes the “I must win” mentality, the other person eventually softens as well, and now the conversation can arise from fertile instead of thorny ground.
- Less is more. Say less, listen more. Blame less, listen more. When someone is telling you their experience, it is their viewpoint, their experience, not yours to pick apart, judge, and deflect. It may not be the way you see it, but it is their truth and their experience. It takes maturity, wisdom, and discipline to be the person who can absorb another’s experience without lashing back in defense. Do you want to rock? Then be that person.
Communication is a team effort, a two- way street. Why go to the trouble of being a rock star communicator? Because of the payoff: greater closeness, greater mutual respect, a peaceful home environment, more fun, and less drag in your relationship.
Until next time,
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