Self-care and self-help or self-improvement are words we seem to encounter regularly these days. Rows upon rows of books in every bookstore promise to help make our lives happier, healthier, and more fulfilled. But what is the difference between self-care and self-improvement? And why does it even matter? I would argue that it matters because without self-care as the foundation, you are on shaky ground working on self-improvement.
Self-improvement starts with the notion that something is wrong that needs to be worked on and improved.
Self-care starts with the notion that you are valuable, worthy, and fine as you are.
I heard the following analogy recently: Self-improvement is like moving into a house and renovating it because you don’t like the house the way it is. So you knock out some walls, redo the electrical, add a bathroom, and so on. Self-care is like living in a house that you love just the way it is. You do things like replace the shingles, vacuum, decorate, mow the lawn, and check the smoke alarms. You want to take care of the place because you love it. Do you see the difference? Self-care may seamlessly turn into self-improvement because when you love and care for what is, self-improvement follows.
What does this look like in everyday life? Let’s look at two examples: 1) Suppose you want to lose weight. Start the process by accepting yourself exactly the way you are instead of thinking, “When I lose X amount of weight then I will ____.” Eat healthy food and exercise your body because you want to increase your energy, mental clarity, and general well-being, not because you are unhappy with the way you look. Dress yourself with the same care that you would X amount of weight lighter. 2) Do you want to see a counsellor to improve your marriage? Go to counselling not because you feel obligated to or because you owe it to the kids. Work on your marriage because it will make YOU happier and more at peace with yourself and because you will be less stressed and laugh more. Work on your marriage because you love yourself and want the best for yourself.
Self-care starts with being willing to be right where you are as you are and accepting what is-- right here, right now. From there, you can make tweaks not because you are broken but because you are a valuable and worthy human being.
How to start? Start with the basics. Self-care can look very basic, as simple as eating three healthy meals every day, brushing your teeth before bed, or going to bed at a reasonable hour. One way I measure my own self-care is by looking at the things I do for my kids and then asking if I am doing the same things for myself. For example, I take care to pack lunches that always include protein, fruit, veggies, and a treat. Do I do the same for myself, or do I just grab some stale cookies, leftover chips, and a coffee and call that a meal? When any of my kids is in emotional pain, I am the first to offer hugs and comfort. I would call myself a compassionate person. Do I offer myself the same level of emotional comfort when I’ve had a bad day, or do I beat myself up and criticize myself for not being better?
The difference between self-care and self-improvement is subtle, but I believe it is important. Self-care comes from a place of “I’m pretty darn great the way I am.” Self-improvement comes from a place of “I’m broken and I don’t like who I am. I need to change XYZ.” Don’t know how to get to a place of “I’m pretty darn great the way I am”? Then start from a neutral place and start to do things that demonstrate care for your body and mind. Fake it and see what happens!
Until next time,
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