I see a lot of clients who wish to gain more self-confidence.  In our initial session when asked, “If you and I could work on one or two things that would make a difference in your life, what would those be?” self-confidence often makes it to the top of the list.

To many, self-confidence is an elusive concept, not something concrete that is easy to grasp. Many clients know how it would feelto have self-confidence, but they don’t necessarily know how to get there.  Is self-confidence a mindset or a behavior or both?  Many people have a list of what would need to change in their lives in order to possess self-confidence: losing weight, getting on the right career path, finding a romantic partner, or making a certain amount of money, to name a few.  But do these things in and of themselves guarantee greater self-confidence?

Recently I read “The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know” by Katty Kay & Claire Shipman.  It was an enlightening and interesting read.  The authors had a lot to say about the topic, and here are the top three tips I took away about how to build your confidence:

3 Tips to Build Self-Confidence

Think less.  Getting lost in rumination keeps us in our headsand out of our lives.  The harder we think, the more we freeze when it comes to making decisions and taking action.  Even if you cannot stop your mind from thinking (we have little control over this), you still can take action.  Decide and act.  This will break the loop of rumination and will kick up your self-confidence a notch or two.

Fail fast and often.  Say what?! Yes.  Failure is the best friend of confidence.  You decide to take a risk.  Without waiting to get it perfect, you step out and adjust as you go.  You fail.  You try again.  You fail. You try again.  In the process, you build resilience.  Something finally works and you feel happy.  You are less afraid to take risks now because in the process of failing, you learned a lot .  You also discovered that failure is okay.  This builds confidence.

Rewire your brain by meditating.  A calm brain is the ultimate confidence tool.  When you develop new mental habits, physical changes happen in the brain.  The most dramatic changes in the brain involve meditation.  When study subjects meditated, functional MRIs showed less activity in the amygdala (fear centre of the brain) and also a shrinking in the size of the amygdala.  For tips on how to start a simple meditation practice, see here, here, and here.

Concluding Remarks...

Thinking less, failing fast, and rewiring your brain are skills that take immense amounts of practice. Self-confidence does not just magically appear.  It is up to you to plant the seeds and watch it grow.

Do you need a boost? Need an accountability partner or some more tips?  Don’t hesitate to reach out to me by email, phone, or on social media.

Until next time,

Counselling Services for those in Langford, Colwood, Metchosin, Sooke, and all of Greater Victoria