The word “divorce” used to be an ugly word for me because it brought up a sense of right and wrong that has been ingrained into me from a very young age; married people should not get divorced, is the message I was brought up with. I never thought I’d use this word in the context of my own personal life but it happened, and here I am.
Over the last five years I have learned a ton about myself, and I can wholeheartedly say that I am happier and fuller a person post-divorce. I have stepped into a more authentic, raw, real, independent version of myself. At the time though, I was certain I’d never come out the other end in tact. Heart-ripping-out-of-soul hardly begins to describe the physical and emotional agony of a divorce.
I am writing this post as an encouragement to those going through the messiness of a break-up. It is more than okay to feel heartbroken, angry, lost, sad, depressed, enraged, and all the feelings in between. Eventually you may feel hopeful and a little lighter. This post emphasizes the hopeful, and I’d like to share three of the things I’ve learned about myself along the way.
- I learned how to be on my own. This includes learning to value my own opinions, intellect and intuition, trusting that I was capable of things like calling the plumber, paying the bills, investing my money, pursuing a master’s degree, parenting alone, and basically being in charge of my own life. This independence was unwelcome and scary at first but the more I learned that I am smart and capable of almost anything, the more empowering it felt.
- I learned that I can get through hard stuff. It was agonizing for me when my ex-partner insisted on staying in the family home for four months after ending the marriage. I felt as if I had to hide in my own house; the home was no longer a safe emotional space. My journal, my therapist, and my friends and family were helpful during this time. Looking back, I do not know how I managed. But one day led to the next. And here I am. I learned that I am resilient and can do hard things.
- I learned that rainbows come after the rain. The way my character was built through becoming independent and resilient were rainbows. Another rainbow was an angel named Peter who walked into my life and although at first he was a rebound, eye candy, and an analgesic, he stuck around and ours turned into a love story. He fit beautifully into mine and the kids’ lives. He turned our black-and-white world into a rainbow of colors. He helped us all thrive. And because of the pain endured and personal growth experienced, I feel that I am a better partner.
Living through the process of a divorce was excruciating. If someone had tried to tell me that hope and light would come in their own good time, I would not have believed them; I had to experience it myself. I am so thankful to be on the other end and thankful for the understanding it gave me for others on a similar path. If you are looking for someone to walk with you on this journey, I would love to connect with you.
Until next time,
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