Shock. Disbelief. Numbness. Sadness. Anger. Rage. Like a knife twisting through the soul. If you have lived through an infidelity, you may have felt any or all of the above emotions. One day life is bumbling along normally and the next, your world comes crashing down.
If you are on the receiving end of an unfaithful partner, you may have had your suspicions. Or maybe you innocently stumbled upon that email or text message. It is an understatement to say that being on the receiving end sucks. After the discovery of an infidelity, couples will move forward in one of three ways: they will stay together and grow together, they will stay together and settle back into status quo, or they will part ways.
This is Part I in a series of posts focusing on folks who go through infidelity – getting through it, making sense of it, and the possibility of thriving in the future.
When an infidelity is first discovered or revealed, a couple is in, what Esther Perel calls in her book “State of Affairs,” the crisis phase. In this phase, there are many emotions which are running high. Life as you know it is on hold.
If you are the one who was betrayed, you may experience any of the following:
-a roller coaster of emotions including sadness, fear, shock, anger, rage, loneliness, numbness, humiliation, helplessness, self-reproach
-somatic or bodily distress
-changes in appetite
-preoccupation with images of the betrayal
-hostile reactions
-the inability to function as before the betrayal
The best thing you can do for yourself during this phase is to ride the ups and downs and let yourself feel however you need to feel. Honor your reactions. Crying, writing, and talking to a trusted friend or counsellor may be useful.
If you are the one who betrayed your partner, you may experience emotions such as guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, self-reproach, remorse, ambivalence numbness, or helplessness. It can be difficult to navigate through your feelings while watching the pain of your partner. However, in the crisis phase, the focus is on the one who was betrayed, where the most pain is. Here are some tips on how you can emotionally meet your partner during this time. The following list of do’s and don’ts will help bring healing.
DON’T:
-defend yourself
-tell your partner they are making too big a deal of this
-tell your partner it meant nothing
-ask if they can get over it and move on because it will never happen again and it’s in the past
-avoid your partner and avoid talking about the pain
DO:
-hold your partner [ask first]
-sit with them in their pain—literally.
-listen to them, no matter how hard it may be for you
-let them vent whatever feelings they are experiencing without needing to defend yourself
-say things such as: “I am so sorry I hurt you.” “I am here for you.” “I see your pain.”
This phase can be frustrating for the partner who betrayed because it can feel like you are spinning your wheels and going nowhere. But hold on. Be patient. When you give your partner attention and space to feel like shit, they will actually feel better and heal better in the long run.
The first few days and weeks after an affair can be excruciating and can feel almost like you are living in slow motion. There are many emotions and many questions, and it is uncomfortable for both partners. If you can get through this phase, there is much to learn and discover and meaning to be made, if you choose that. Many people find it helpful to enlist the help of a couples counsellor. The right couples counsellor can be an incredible source of support and wisdom in what is an unpredictable and emotionally volatile time.
Until next time,
Individual and couples counselling for those in Langford, Colwood, Metchosin, Sooke, and all of Greater Victoria