Do you want to maximize the heck out of the important relationships in your life?  In an ideal world, what does a healthy, thriving relationship look like to you?  Ideas that come to my mind are: harmony, feeling good, feeling close, feeling happy, understanding each other, unconditional love, two-way respect, and getting along well.

 

Do you think the above describes the majority of relationships?  I don’t.  The majority of people are settling for less-than-satisfying relationships because they are participating in one or more of what Dr. Glasser terms the Seven Deadly Habits:

 

The Seven Deadly Habits

Criticizing

Blaming

Complaining

Nagging

Threatening

Punishing

Bribing

 

These habits often are ingrained, automatic, and unconscious.  Using them in relationships may help us feel like we’re in control, but they rarely, if ever, move us in the direction of fulfilling and thriving relationships.  Instead, consider replacing the Seven Deadly Habits with Dr. Glasser’s Seven Caring Habits:

 

The Seven Caring Habits

Supporting

Encouraging

Listening

Accepting

Trusting

Respecting

Negotiating differences

 

Practicing the Seven Caring Habits can be challenging because this way of relating to others is quite opposite of the Seven Deadly Habits.  If you try any or all of the Seven Caring Habits, you may feel like you’ve lost control of other people and your agenda for them.  You may find yourself tongue- tied when it comes to communication because you are so used to practicing the Seven Deadly Habits.  That’s okay.  Be tongue-tied and say nothing until you formulate a sentence that demonstrates one or more of the caring habits. 

 

For the skeptics

You may be skeptical because you fear that people, (especially immediate family), will never do what you want them to do if you stop nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.  You may wonder if they will ever take responsibility for the ways they’ve messed up if you don’t criticize or blame; after all, some people just need a proverbial kick in the pants, right?

 

But, consider this: Is criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing really working?  Is using these habits contributing to deeply satisfying and connected relationships?  Also, consider this: Why do friendships work?  Take a closer look at your best friends, the ones you have a history with.  Do you practice the deadly habits or the caring habits in your friendships?  Most likely you practice supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and respecting differences with your friends. 

 

How to move in the direction of healthy, thriving relationships

If you are more familiar practicing the deadly habits than the caring habits, consider doing a five-day experiment where you consciously kill the deadly habits and make room for the caring habits.  Just try it.  Notice any changes that take place in yourself and those around you.  Let me know how it’s going by getting in touch with me through e-mail (nadine@engagecounselling.com), Instagram, or Facebook!

 

Here’s to harmonious and fulfilling relationships with those who matter most to us!

 

Until next time,

 

 

Counselling services in Langford, Colwood, Metchosin, and Greater Victoria