When kids enter their teens, things change. The way you related to your teen when he was younger may be less effective now as you navigate this new phase of development. When your teen was a kid, it seemed easier to get him to comply with what you wanted him to do: chores, speaking kindly, having some say in who his friends were, ensuring that his room stayed clean and homework got done, and knowing where he was and what he was doing at all times. He may have listened when threats were made and punishments handed out. But now, a shift has taken place. Your teen may have stopped listening to you and talking to you. The more you nag, complain, and threaten, the more distant he becomes. So, what now?
It’s time to shift the paradigm.
Instead of thinking, “How can I get my teen to listen to me?” think, “How can I connect with my teen in a way that enhances our relationship?”
Consider the following 3 tips:
- Relinquish control. It is likely that you are using the seven deadly habits more than the seven caring habits with your teen, thereby increasing the distance between you. The seven deadly habits are all about gaining external control, while the seven caring habits are about building relationships. How do you relinquish control? Purposely work on banishing the seven deadly habits and implementing the seven caring habits.
In practical terms, ask yourself the following sorts of questions: Does it really matter when homework gets done? Does a strict bedtime really matter? Do I really need to tell her exactly what to eat? Must she use precisely the kind of language I tell her to? Does she really need to keep her room
100% clean?
Ask: Is what I’m about to say or do going to increase or decrease the distance between us? If there is a chance that your words or actions will increase the distance between you, reconsider your next move.
- Have a conversation with your teen. Here are two ideas to try: 1) Ask your teen about something important to him. As he talks, listen, support, and encourage; do not judge, interrupt, or give unsolicited advice. Important: If he does not want to talk or gives you a one-word answer, leave it. Do not become a 20-question drill sergeant. 2) Start a conversation about your relationship. Tell him about the seven deadly habits and the seven caring habits, and your aim of wanting to stay away from the deadly habits. Say (only if you mean it), “my connection with you is more important than trying to control you.” Ask him what he likes and does not like about your relationship. Ask him for ideas about how you can better connect with him. Then, listen.
- There is a time and place for rules, but rules fit under the caring habit of “negotiating differences.” Here are some examples: “I am noticing that your daily chores are not getting done. I really would not like to nag you about doing them—I know you don’t enjoy me nagging and I don’t enjoy it either. How can we work this out so that your chores get done without me getting on your case?” Or:“I worry about you when you’re out so late. Would you mind checking in with me at 9 pm so that I know you’re okay?” Or: “You’ve been asking for a later curfew for quite some time now. I’d like to understand why this is important to you.” Negotiating opens the lines of communication. Controlling closes them down.
Outside the home
Do you worry about who your teen is hanging around with and what kinds of things your teen is doing when he is not home? When your teen is not with you, you have zero control. The only (indirect) control you have is the strength of your relationship with him. Therefore, prioritize your connection with him instead of focusing on control tactics.
The advantages to prioritizing connection over control
When your aim is to connect with your teen instead of control her, you will open the door for conversation and relationship building instead of rule following. When something serious comes up, your teen will be more likely to let you if you have built this foundation. You can use the energy you save from controlling her to really enjoy your relationship because teens are awesome—mine make me laugh pretty much daily.
Be patient with yourself as you learn to approach your relationship with your teen in a new way. Be curious about the process and see what happens. Have fun with it!
Until next time,
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