It's a Saturday night.  The kids are at their dad's for the weekend.  My husband and I have had a really full and fun day together doing yoga, shopping for kitchen appliances, going to our favourite fish market, and walking the dogs.  There is nothing about the day that hasn't been fulfilling.  Evening rolls around and we cook up fresh sablefish with risotto and veggies.

After dinner, we're settling on the couch in front of the TV and I experience an urge to eat sugar -- all the candy and chocolate and all the things.  My brain says, "I want."  My brain says, "The night will be bleak if I can't have treats."  "I want treats."  There's thoughts of "dinner's over.  What now?"  "It's Saturday night -- is this it?".

We sit on the couch.  We watch some show I'm only semi-interested in.  It feels boring.  My brain says, "Is this the highlight?"  "This is the relaxing, fun part?  You're kidding."  It feels like a rip off.

This is Nadine's craving brain in action.  It doesn't want regular amounts of pleasure that come from connection and physical relaxation.  It wants highly concentrated, artificial amounts of pleasure that light up the brain's reward centre tenfold and make life feel more exciting than it actually is.

Without the treats, life reveals what it is.  On a Saturday night, that feels scary, even terrifying.  With treats, life pretends to be more exciting than it is. Do I want to eat treats so I think my life is more exciting than it actually is?  Or do I want to not answer the craving in order to probe deeper into the restlessness, dissatisfaction, and emptiness  I feel on a Saturday night when by all external measures I *should* be well?

This is the work.

Until next time,